14/11/2016 0 Comments A Cartographic Guffaw!How does one ‘write’ a map? In the same way that one writes a painting. Is that possible? Perhaps, not possible. I guess one cannot really ‘write’ a map, but one can certainly spin a yarn around a topic in the context of a map – a topic that arouses some mirth and some guffaws, given its nature. To be accurate, the guffaws are caused not by the topic, per se, but by the contents of the topic. If you are puzzled, you should be. Anybody would be. Anyway, anything humorous is usually a reason for a guffaw, but I suppose that with the exception of Wodehouse, there isn’t really much clean humour floating around. Most of the guffaw-inducing humour invariably has a yellow slant. But what does a map have to do with humour, especially when I tell you that it is a map of the world – you know, the kind that has all the continents on a single page with the Americas on the extreme left (west) and Japan on the extreme right (east)? Plenty, I tell you, plenty.
So, let us embark on a journey from west to east, based on the map that was published in today’s The Times of India. The map, printed at the bottom of page-7, contained just the map of the world and the names of some places marked by dots, that’s all. But, it spoke quite a lot. Since I do not have a scanner at home to reproduce the map here, I shall try to ‘write’ the map so that you know what The Times of India was actually talking about. I have employed the help of Google to fill in the details. These Americans are a weird lot. We know that they have a booming porn industry and have often been given to displaying a fascination for expressing their sexuality rather overtly. For some it is a queasy matter, but I suspect that for most, it is a matter of unmitigated delight! But, come on, is there really any need to be so graphic? I mean, we all know what happens to the southern parts of a woman when she is aroused. No need to be so descriptive! There is a 6,155 acre wilderness area located in the Coconino National Forest in the US state of Arizona. It is called Wet Beaver Wilderness! There is a river out there called Wet Beaver Creek, which is a perennial stream. And, it has one major tributary - Dry Beaver Creek! I wonder if post-menopausal women retire at Dry BC! We all know that men and women having sex eventually reach orgasm. Hell, is there any point in being so repetitive about this obvious fact of life? There is a town in Decatur County, Georgia, US, that has a twin city in Kalamazoo County, Michigan. These towns go by the name of Climax! Guess what? Climax has a neighbouring town that goes by the name of – you guessed it – Cumming! As, if it weren’t enough to have the Americans scream in orgasmic delight, the Canadians have a Climax of their own too! Somewhere near the American capital city of Washington, there is a place in Grays Harbour County with a population of merely 225 that seems to have a carnal fascination of the flowery kind. We have heard of kinky ways of men and women and even bestiality - a rather perverse and extreme kind of sexuality. But, ever heard of fornication with flowers, specifically tulips? The place in question goes by the name of Humptulips! The eastern coast guys seem to be very clear in the declaration of their sexuality and preferences. I mean, it is a great thing to be honest, but hey, can we be a little discreet please? The state of Pennsylvania has a village consisting of Amish folks, called Intercourse! We have to give it to them for being so correct of language. But, it doesn’t seem to have helped much though. The Amish population in Intercourse is a mere 1274! Intercourse, indeed! Austria might wish to take a leaf off the Amish correctness and consider renaming their own little village of Fucking! However, people living in Lousia County, Virginia, a little to the south of Intercourse, have a perfect sense of anatomy. If Intercourse is to the north, can they call their hometown anything but Bumpass? I think history is wrong about Bethlehem being the place of birth of Jesus. I am sure history is terribly wrong. Jesus was Canadian! There is no doubt about this at all. The only matter of doubt is whether he was born in Virgin Arm or in Conception Bay, in the province of Newfoundland and Labrador. This requires some more research. What can possibly be more embarrassing than having a vice president named Dick, as in Dick Cheney? A president with the surname of Bush! No, USA doesn’t have a place named Dick! Phew! But, their northern neighbour, Canada, have decided to make up for the omission by having Dick near Crotch Lake (how appropriate!) USA, not to be left behind, have complemented the Canadians by saying “Ok, if you have Dick on the north of Lake Crotch, we are going to have Gaylord on the southern banks!” Enough of American and Canadian madness! Let us travel out of USA. But before that, some guy in a town in Florida took a peek at his neighbour’s kukubird in a public loo and became inspired to christen the town Reddick! The Latin Americans are comparatively shy. They haven’t as many creative names of places as their illustrious northern big brother. But, Nicaragua has a sexy river. It is called Wanks River, while Brazil … well, they believe in being short and sweet (or is it salty?) - I wonder if Cum in Brazil also produces skilled footballers! Iceland has Horn. I am sure that the ice and cold weather makes everything as hard as a horn. What is the adjective of horn? Horny? France, of course, is unabashed about almost everything, but the Frenchman could have been a little polite in calling their own towns Bitche, Pussy and Condom! I suppose, some fun loving Italians from a town in Italy went to Condom in France on vacation. There, the rubbers broke during sex. Nine months after their return to their hometown in Italy, a whole bunch of illegitimate children were born. The Italian revellers decided to rename their hometown Bastardo! Ever since the accident, fellow Italians from a neighbouring town took their lessons well from their friends of Bastardo and made a policy of penetrating the other orifice to prevent pregnancies. Guess who these guys were? They were the residents of Arsoli! Hearing this, the Albanians on the west of France dismissed the policy of the residents of Arsoli as Crap! Austrians, a little way to the north, heard the story and exclaimed “Hard”! Germans, on the other hand said “You guys can keep all the Crap to yourselves. When we are Hard, we don’t do Arsoli, nor do we produce Bastardo, but we satisfy ourselves with a squeeze of the Brest!” Down south, the Africans, like the South Americans, are also a shy lot. Not too many loud expressions of their sexuality. They only have Tit in the middle (Algeria), Bum in Sierra Leone (look at the map, Bum is actually located at the bum of Africa!) and of course, Zimbabwe helps relieve the stress with a little Wankie! Turkey – once the seat of the great Ottoman Caliphate – realised that the best way to spread their religion would be by procreation. But how? Through Seymen, of course! India, we know, is the world’s biggest toilet. There is no toilet bigger than India. You can relieve yourself anywhere, any time. In Himachal Pradesh, when you relieve yourself by the roadside and if somebody exclaims in disgust pointing out at your produce, “What’s that!”, reply without batting an eyelid, “Poo”! Further south, in the butt of India – Andhra Pradesh – the fondness for the derrière usually results in Cumbum. Neighbouring Myanmar don’t just have a town named Dong, they even transact in Dongs, their national currency! The Chinese, historically bearing an inferiority complex about the size of their organs, have finally invented a magic cure for penile enhancement. The guy who invented the potion lives in Longdong Avenue on the eastern coast. On hearing of this invention, the Japs exclaimed sheepishly, “Kinki”! They even set up a university to research a better potion. It is called Kinki University! In exotic Thailand, of course, we have Phuket, a common destination for Indian honeymooners. The name says it all about why they choose Phuket! Now, remember what I told you about Turkey regarding proliferation through procreation. The Indonesians do one better than their Turkish brothers. They say, “Look, Seymen is fine for procreation, but to do it faster, you just have to Fakfak! However, if you don’t want to make babies, just do Anus village!” And, if the Turkish have their Seymen, the Indonesians have their own Semen Town! New Zealand, people say, is one of the most beautiful countries in the world. I am sure it is! With a place called Shagpoint, any country will look exotic! I wonder if it is a voyeur’s paradise! Finally, the Aussies! Them Mates down under are always in your face about almost everything - Tittybong, Iron Knob, Cockburn and aha, Blowhard! Needs no explanation, I hope. Did I already say ‘finally’? No, wait. Russia has Vagina somewhere around where Putin lives, and Iran – I can’t wait to certify how apt this is – has Shit right in the middle of that utterly screwed up country! Here ends my ‘writing’ of the map that appeared in today’s Times of India. If this has taught me anything, it is the wisdom of the maxim – A picture is worth a thousand words!
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